A Night to Remember

May 14, 2015 § 2 Comments

“We’ll paint the town red! Party all night baby! Lets give him a night he’ll never forget! Last night as a bachelor!” said the fellow, rather enthusiastically. Enthusiasm that came from not knowing ground realities, one might add.

I just shook my head rather wistfully. Seasoned as I was in failed attempts to paint the town(s) red, or any other colour for that matter, I knew this was not going to end satisfactorily. At least not in the sense satisfaction was intended for the evening.

We were in Hyderabad. We were 4 guys. Wanting to party. Which in Hyderabad is quite the normal thing, what with the lack of ‘hariyali’. But anybody who has lived in Hyderabad knows that the place shuts down by 11. Party arenas are far too few. And too ‘exclusive’. Knowing all this, I suggested what all engineers are ready to do in a heartbeat – a booze in. Basically buy liquor and consume it in the hotel room itself. But that was vetoed. So, we trudged off on the lookout for a suitable place to party. There was only one. And stags are not really welcome. And we weren’t conforming to their dress code either. So we were left with only one option – buy booze and consume in the quietude of our room. Which was easier said than done. Since all the wine shops also close by 10-11 in Hyderabad.

There was one we spotted which was half open. Dispensing elixir from within half shuttered confines. We approached it stealthily and just as we were going to get our fill, a police van approached. Everyone scattered. So did we.

We were left high and dry, in a manner of speaking.

Just then, the rickshawala spoke up. “Sir, daaru hona? Mein dilaata na. Ek jagah maloom mujhe. Masab Tank mein hai.” And thus the plan was made. The groom and I decided to make the journey with the rickshawala. The destination was across the city. It was an area I should have been familiar with, since I lived there for 3 odd years. He took us into the bylanes of Chintal Basti – which incidentally was the place where we’d come to get our Gas Cylinders refilled; who knew bootleggers operated from there as well? As I exclaimed in surprise at the familiarity of the place, a sense of dread filled me. Here I was in a not so nice part of the city, with a decent amount of money and was looking to purchase bootleg liquor with a fellow who was going to get married in 5ย hours. Not exactly the most decent thing to do.

There were many stragglers present around the place. Just like in the zombie movies, bodies moving around in search of something. They would converge at a common point and then disperse. I found it amusing. Just as we got out of the rickshaw, the driver said in a panicky voice for us to get back in. I noticed the stragglers also had quickened up and left the place. We got in. And just then a police van came, lights flashing. The rickshaw guy started the rickshaw, did some real NFS stuff ย and took us into a maze of bylanes and then parked at a dead end. For 5 minutes we held our breath, waiting to be discovered by the Police. The thought going through my mind was simple, “If this guy gets arrested today, who is going to get married tomorrow?” “Who can we call to bail us out?” “Do they serve breakfast in the lockup?”

The police van went past our bylane. Our rickshawala (who seemed like a pro at this) smiled and led us back to the bootlegger. We quickly purchased some stuff for double the usual amount and returned. I thanked all the Gods I could remember, all while holding a bottle of liquor. The rickshawala also did his duty and ripped us off on the fare, which to any Mumbaikar travelling outside the city feels like being beaten and molested the same time. But we were relieved at the end of it.

We drank to his last day as a bachelor, many stories were exchanged and many were not. At 2.30 in the night, we realised that his rituals start at 3.30, so he should get going. A quick mouthwash later, he was ready to leave. We dropped him off at his hotel at 3 AM. He had half an hour of sleep before what would be one of the most important days of his life and was boozed up for good measure – all thanks to us. but then, that is what friends are for.

At least he didn’t get arrested. Thank God for that. Then it would have been a night to never forget ๐Ÿ˜›




How To : Disrupt a Wedding*

October 30, 2008 § 5 Comments

*Written on behalf of the AAI(Aashiq’s Association of India)

Disrupting a wedding is not a hard task really. All you have to do is go there and shout loudly “This marriage cannot happen”, wait for everybody to look at you and then say “because ______________________(insert reason [for eg : 1) We love each other 2) She loves me! 3) I love her! (saddest one this) 4) Main uske bacche ka baap banne waala hoon!!) The last one is a bit overconfident and a little mad, but what the heck ๐Ÿ˜€

But to successfully disrupt a wedding, you have to put on a show of blatant disregard for human emotions and of course, your own self esteem. This is a post which will teach you how to do that.

Remember, weddings are long affairs, lasting as much as 5 days for a Punjabi wedding and an entire season for a monsoon wedding. Yes, I know, that was a pj. ๐Ÿ˜› The best time to disrupt a wedding is probably the mandap stage, just before the saat pheras(You might as well grab her and run around the fire before anyone can stop you, but for the fear of getting shot, please do not try this ๐Ÿ˜€ )

Remember this, it is easier to disrupt some weddings and suicidal to disrupt some others. For instance, it is easiest to disrupt a South Indian wedding. Most of the gathered are sleeping in their seats anyway, the groom is disoriented because of all the smoke he has inhaled for the past 4 hours and even if someone objects, they will do so in the most courteous of manners. And here, you can be your disruptive best. A punjabi, maharastrian or bengali wedding must however be disrupted only by if you have a sound mediclaim policy. Because you will mostly be: tortured and beaten with hockey sticks(punjabi), bleeding from the ears because your eardrums have ruptured(maharastrian) or bleeding from the ears and mentally harassed(bengali). Who said anything about disrupting weddings being an easy job? ๐Ÿ˜€

Ok then. Main attraction. Here it comes: The Tutorial.

You will need: 30 Backup Dancers. 31 eye catching costumes. For this tutorial it is the following: White band suit with red decorative stripes on arms and shoulders, white trousers, white cap with red lining, white handgloves, red belt, red socks, white shoes. Band baja instruments. Be ready to dance. 10 – 12 totally jobless people (friends, you may call them), one bride to be, one groom (hopefully not-to-be), parents for both of them, assorted relatives, guests, panditji and yes, a wedding.

You must wear the costume. You did not think that all those dress instructions were only for  the backup dancers, did you? Life is not fair my friend. Neither am I.

Your entry must be stunning.It must capture the imagination of the crowd. Therefore you must salute. Salute with determination. Salute as if you salute for your life. Then, to make a statement, you must start singing. Since you are hopeless at lyrics, I will provide some for you. They are:

First time dekha tumhe hum kho gaya, Second time mein  love ho gaya.Yeh akha India jaanta hai ki hum tumpe marta hai(do have some proof ready, in case somebody asks) 

Immortal deed. Immortal lyrics. Then you dance, dance with the backup dancers in synchronised dance steps. The dance steps should preferably include vigorous pelvic thrusts. I do not know what they signify (sach mein!) but you must do so to provide entertainment to the guests.

Add a few lyrics to your song that signify that the girls father is the pyaar ka dushman. Something like:

Terese marriage karneko mein bambai se goa aaya, lekin there father ne mujhe red signal dikhlaya.

Then insult the father:

Father se tere kya lena mujhe, main chahoon tujhko tu chaahe mujhe.

Notice: do not attempt the last line if father is six foot tall and looks like an angry bull.

This is getting lengthy isn’t it? Hmm, I’ll make it easier then. There is a video tutorial too, you see. Watch it. Learn it. There is a statutory warning though : Practising what is preached in this video might lead to permanent damage of your reputation.

That done, here it is. Enjoy:

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