On hookahs and abusers

April 27, 2014 § 2 Comments

Heard a song on TV the other day. It was in Punjabi – rather than in Hindi – as most ‘hep’ songs are nowadays and sounded like a whole lot of gibberish. This even though I can make out some of the Punjabi words. I try to make a translation into Hindi and get a sense of what the song is about. Imagine my shock then when I heard this song and got to know that it is about luring innocent girls into a gali and boinking them on the head with a hookah. Repeatedly.

Don’t believe me? Here goes a stanza and translation from the song…

Saadi gaali aaja saanu chaahan waaliye
Tennu hokkah maarda phiraan

Come to my street, o my lover,
I keep calling out for you..

Ik waari aaja door jaan waaliye
Tenu hokaah marda phiraan

Come once, O the-one-who-left-me,
I’ll roam around hitting you with a hookah!

Preposterous I say! 😛

 

PS: Yes, yes. This is not the correct translation. I know.

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The Drunken Monkey Style of Singing

April 29, 2011 § 1 Comment

…is what Mohit Chauhan specializes in. If one notices, he sings with a slightly destabilized view of the lyrics. Like there’s a chance that he will forget what the next line of lyric is supposed to be. Or if he will fall down drunk at any moment in the song.

Somehow, girls find this sort of singing cute or sweet or whatever it is that girls nowadays say for things they like. I guess its because they find it alluring to be sung to by a drunk amnesiac. I like his songs though. Not for the singing. Anybody can do that. For the lyrics, very few get the songs like he does. Most of them are well written (Most, coz I just heard the title track of “Isi Life Mein” [Don’t stop yourself, come on and reach out, now this is your chance, come on and reach out], perfect alcohol addiction reform song).

Also, the following.

I believe, he sings like that on purpose. To sound more romantic I guess.

Also I had also thought that I had it figured out on how to sing like him. A step by step of how would be the following.

1) Get drunk. 3-4 pegs of fine scotch works well.

2) Think you can sing.

3) Believe you can sing.

4) Actually sing.

——–

Just as when the party was getting going, everybody asked him to sing a song. He was 4 pegs down, the fifth in his grasp. Then he sang. He sang what he thought was a song in the Mohit Chauhan tradition. The Drunken Monkey Style of Singing. He sang. As words came, unbidden to his slurring lips. He sang. As everyone (including three Project manager level personages)  sat listening, spellbound. Or shocked, he couldn’t tell which. Managers don’t show their emotions (or don’t have them). Then he heard the lyrics coming out of his mouth. Shocked it was than. Shocked was what their expressions were. Yet, he sang. He sang till the last stanza. Then, he quickly drained the 5th peg down his throat. The song he had sung in front of his superiors was this:

———

Recursion

April 9, 2010 § 4 Comments

Recursion is a term of some significance in any Computer Science graduate’s life. It’s one of the early initiation topics into the arcane world of computer programming. It’s basically when a function calls itself in order to do what many loops of the same code will eventually do when it exits out of a loop. It can go horribly wrong (as my computer & countless programmers will attest), resulting in endless loops of code calling itself over and over again and not stopping.

So why did I and that too all of a sudden remember Recursion? Well, my mind picked up an example of recursion when it was listening to a song the other day (only the mind, you ask? Yes, the body was doing something. Called work 😛 )

It comes from the latest Atif Aslam scream fest. From the movie Prince, the song “O mere khuda”. The lyrics go:

Tanha Raaton mein baatein hongi,

Un baaton mein phir raatein hongi

You see? There are raatein, in which there are baatein. Further, there are baatein which will lead to raatein. See the recursion? See? See?

Being a responsible member of secret society of cuckoo programmers society, I’d like to make a few changes to the lyrics which will properly end the said recursion, while still maintaining its recursivity( I can make up words, its my blog!! 😛 )

If raat==tanha

execute line “tanha raaton mein baatein hongi”

execute line “un baaton mein phir raatein hongi”

if(raatein.lonely==true)

execute routine again

else return 0;

Dear Reader,

You have, at this point, wasted about 3 minutes of your life on a blog post which will leave you a few brain cells shorter and with not much effective knowledge to show for it. I thank you for co-operating with me in making the internet a bit more unproductive. One post at a time.

Thank You.

The philosophy of life…

September 14, 2009 § 4 Comments

…explained in six compact lines.

hoye zindagi jaise ek radio
Alag alag dhun sunati hai
Kabhi happy kar de
Kabhi sad banaye
KKabhi senti kar de
Kabhi mad banaye…

If only Socrates had known… 😛

Ki tum meri koi nahin…

April 22, 2009 § 3 Comments

Agar kabhi tum guzarta dekho… (if you see me passing by…)
kya tum mujhe bulaogi??… shayad nahi (will you call out to me? Maybe not)
agar jo fir hum kabhi na mile to(if we never meet again…)
kya tum yaad aaogi… nahi(…will i still think of you? Maybe not)
kyo ki tum meri koi nahi (…coz ur nothing to me)
main janta hu magar ho jab meri koi nahi (even if i know that you are nothing to me…)
kyo lagti ho mujhko parayi nahi(….then why don’t you seem like a stranger to me?)

jab bhi mile hum aisa laga fir, milege nahi(whenever we met, it seemed like it would be our last)
fir bhi na jane kisi bhahane milte gaye hum tum magar kahi na kahi(but somehow, somewhere we did keep meeting…)
jab aaj koi nahi hai bhahana fir kyo thar jaye kadam yahi(but today, when there is no excuse to meet, then why do my feet move towards you?)
ho tum meri koi nahi main janta hu magar(I know that you are nothing to me…)
ho jab meri koi nahi kyo lagti ho mujhko parayi nahi(but, when you are nothing to me, why don’t you seem like a stranger to me???)

[This is one of my favourite songs, been meaning to do a translation pretty long for this. Well, I have, and today of all days…hehe, such is life (where is the sighing wala smiley when u need it?? 😀 ) Have left out the last paragraph of the song, couldn’t translate it properly. It sounded lame 😛 oh, before i forget, this is from the movie ‘Socha Na Tha’ ]

How To : Disrupt a Wedding*

October 30, 2008 § 5 Comments

*Written on behalf of the AAI(Aashiq’s Association of India)

Disrupting a wedding is not a hard task really. All you have to do is go there and shout loudly “This marriage cannot happen”, wait for everybody to look at you and then say “because ______________________(insert reason [for eg : 1) We love each other 2) She loves me! 3) I love her! (saddest one this) 4) Main uske bacche ka baap banne waala hoon!!) The last one is a bit overconfident and a little mad, but what the heck 😀

But to successfully disrupt a wedding, you have to put on a show of blatant disregard for human emotions and of course, your own self esteem. This is a post which will teach you how to do that.

Remember, weddings are long affairs, lasting as much as 5 days for a Punjabi wedding and an entire season for a monsoon wedding. Yes, I know, that was a pj. 😛 The best time to disrupt a wedding is probably the mandap stage, just before the saat pheras(You might as well grab her and run around the fire before anyone can stop you, but for the fear of getting shot, please do not try this 😀 )

Remember this, it is easier to disrupt some weddings and suicidal to disrupt some others. For instance, it is easiest to disrupt a South Indian wedding. Most of the gathered are sleeping in their seats anyway, the groom is disoriented because of all the smoke he has inhaled for the past 4 hours and even if someone objects, they will do so in the most courteous of manners. And here, you can be your disruptive best. A punjabi, maharastrian or bengali wedding must however be disrupted only by if you have a sound mediclaim policy. Because you will mostly be: tortured and beaten with hockey sticks(punjabi), bleeding from the ears because your eardrums have ruptured(maharastrian) or bleeding from the ears and mentally harassed(bengali). Who said anything about disrupting weddings being an easy job? 😀

Ok then. Main attraction. Here it comes: The Tutorial.

You will need: 30 Backup Dancers. 31 eye catching costumes. For this tutorial it is the following: White band suit with red decorative stripes on arms and shoulders, white trousers, white cap with red lining, white handgloves, red belt, red socks, white shoes. Band baja instruments. Be ready to dance. 10 – 12 totally jobless people (friends, you may call them), one bride to be, one groom (hopefully not-to-be), parents for both of them, assorted relatives, guests, panditji and yes, a wedding.

You must wear the costume. You did not think that all those dress instructions were only for  the backup dancers, did you? Life is not fair my friend. Neither am I.

Your entry must be stunning.It must capture the imagination of the crowd. Therefore you must salute. Salute with determination. Salute as if you salute for your life. Then, to make a statement, you must start singing. Since you are hopeless at lyrics, I will provide some for you. They are:

First time dekha tumhe hum kho gaya, Second time mein  love ho gaya.Yeh akha India jaanta hai ki hum tumpe marta hai(do have some proof ready, in case somebody asks) 

Immortal deed. Immortal lyrics. Then you dance, dance with the backup dancers in synchronised dance steps. The dance steps should preferably include vigorous pelvic thrusts. I do not know what they signify (sach mein!) but you must do so to provide entertainment to the guests.

Add a few lyrics to your song that signify that the girls father is the pyaar ka dushman. Something like:

Terese marriage karneko mein bambai se goa aaya, lekin there father ne mujhe red signal dikhlaya.

Then insult the father:

Father se tere kya lena mujhe, main chahoon tujhko tu chaahe mujhe.

Notice: do not attempt the last line if father is six foot tall and looks like an angry bull.

This is getting lengthy isn’t it? Hmm, I’ll make it easier then. There is a video tutorial too, you see. Watch it. Learn it. There is a statutory warning though : Practising what is preached in this video might lead to permanent damage of your reputation.

That done, here it is. Enjoy:

From the window of my eyes

August 18, 2008 § 2 Comments

This song (below the post) depicts an ideal date(in the eyes of the morally concious Censor Board, though not in the eyes of any of the older generation, the only ideal date they prefer is the one that is available at the nearest grocers shop)

If you are too lazy to dwell on the ideas this song provides(or are too intelligent to notice them), I will ask you one question…What am I here for? 😀 By the way, the intelligent comment was sarcastic(just in case you didnt notice 😉 )

So, the moral(s) of the song:

  • Guys should wear chest baring tight Shirt and bell bottom pants(you will get a lot of stares, but are those starers going on a morally correct date? The answer is NO. You have the moral high ground, you can do whatever you want, just like Sonia Gandhi)
  • The start of a date should always be on a lush green hillock. You should laze on the grass *atleast* 10 feet away from your girlfriend. The girlfriend should sing an ode to you about your greatness for accepting her into your life; she should do so while plucking flowers which are to be presented to you.
  • While presenting the flower, if there is any contact between you and your girlfriend, you should immediately cease contact (no more than 2 seconds). There has…er…been an error in the depiction of this in our model video( I assure you, the director beat the crap out of Sachin for behaving like that, that is why the camera focuses on flying birds for a few seconds. Also notice Sachin’s dazed look in the rest of the video).
  • Next part of the date moves towards a stream( if inaccessible; u may use a swimming pool or a pond). The lady has to put feet in stream, and keep singing ode to her lowu (that be u; if she be singing for someone else; why you reading this? sigh). You must look at her with strange dazed look in eyes and a manic smile (her singing will have this effect on you. And not in a good way).
  • Your action is needed for the date to move to the next location. When she gets up, you must hold her hand and skip (yes, you read that right) at a healthy pace towards the next location (which happens to be the top of a hill). The skipping, a la little Red Riding Hood, will ensure that you two stay fit and get a little exercise on your date (DOGMA* believes in a healthy nation)
  • At the next location, ensure that your gf is still singing (bear the headache, please, it’ll help the dazed smile). The next action is difficult for me to describe (i’ll describe it as soon as I stop laughing 😛 ) I’ll call it the psycho walk…please see video for live demonstration 😀
  • Next are mandatory (appease the Gods, they will be favourable then) stops to places of worship. Shown in this model video are a small Christian place of worship and a Hindu place of worship. Add a mosque for an overall secular date.
  • Next comes the see off. For minds corrupted by western influence, this is an ideal time for after date ‘goodbyes’. However, in the indian context, a handshake is okay (namaskar is preferred). The video again has an error in it. Sachin is way too enthusiastic, but is foiled by the girl. Bless her. (Sachin was thoroughly thrashed by both the director and the heroine’s mummy after the shot was canned. Notice the drunken dazed look. That is not acting, it is because of the painkillers.)
  • Lastly, look at the closing scenes of the video. It shows the couple in their *own* rooms looking at photograph and crooning(girl), reading informative magazines (both boy and girl), taking a walk on balcony(boy). All of which are far superior and healthy habits than which the current generation of youngsters prefer(chatting, smsing, calling, looking at photograph on a LCD screen). So much better no.

I believe that this has been an informative and learning experience for you all 😀

(*DOGMA: Department Of General Morals and Attitude)

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