Marriage – Love and Arranged

December 24, 2008 § 13 Comments

[This is something I wrote for my cousin sis in Mangalore to submit for her school magazine]

Somebody introduced me to a new concept the other day, of knowing beforehand(literally) whether my marriage would be an arranged one or a love marriage. Some of the people who tried it for the first time seemed to be a little disappointed at the results, either arranged or love. It is a silly game, one that was perhaps invented by bored teenagers to while away some time, but it did get one thinking. About marriage, and the way our society interprets it.

Marriage, people say is the cornerstone of a successful society. Long lasting ones more so. It is a common perception here in India that arranged marriages are more long lasting and hence have a better bet at being more successful. This however does not hold true for societies around the world. For instance, in the western world, marriages themselves are optional, and in most cases are love marriages. It is not frowned upon there as it is here in India.

Marriages in India are not about two people, they are about two families. Because the way of life here is so family oriented, families become involved in any couple’s life sooner or later. More often than not, arranged marriages are fixed only after knowing that the families themselves are compatible with each other, as also the couple. Families are instrumental in holding together a couple, during the good times and also when things get difficult in a marriage. It is this system that is the primary reason for the success of arranged marriages.

Love marriages, on the other hand, hardly have family or societal sanction. The couple has to, mostly, be on its own with hardly any support structure. Most of such marriages are done with haste, with the headiness or belligerence of youth. If any differences between the couple do crop up (as in most marriages), it becomes difficult to resolve these in the absence of sane voices in the support structure of the family. This perhaps is the biggest reason for all the failures in love marriage.

This is not to say that arranged marriages are better or love marriages are bad. There are many instances of bad matchmaking in arranged marriages and there are many successful love marriages too. As in life, what may be good for one person may not be as good for the next. Maybe, as we move to a more nuclear family oriented society, love marriages will become the norm, maybe we’ll see more family and societal sanction for love marriages. Or maybe we’ll see the good old tradition of arranged marriages hold fort and continue to be the dominating force in building and sustaining our strong family oriented society.

[Update: I read a very good piece of analysis on the same topic the other day. Its titled Stockholm Syndrome a.k.a Arranged marriageย ]

[Update2: Looks like marriage season’s on in full swing, this is a file I got via email…Read it(arrangedmarriage), I will ask girls to ignore this though. And one more thing, all views are of the author.]

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§ 13 Responses to Marriage – Love and Arranged

  • sunayna says:

    arranged or love.
    its all dependent on destiny and ur compatibility

    • Mithun says:

      @sunayna : true, very true…but i am not sure SRK guruji agrees ๐Ÿ˜›

      @B : what you say is indeed ideal, about the ‘marry-a-friend’ thing, not about me pulling off a lowu marriage ๐Ÿ˜€ as one very important thing for that is amiss : love itself ๐Ÿ™‚

  • B says:

    Very nice post on marriage and I am now sure that u are headed for a love marriage for sure-the writing is on the blog

    Love in India is xpected to happen after marriage-its the norm. I think the best scenario in marriage would be if u can marry ur best friend..assuming he/she is unmarried, straight and wanting to marry u also ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Chetan says:

    Very good post… Disha’s school has a magazine. fortunate gurl. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Marriage (Love or Arrange) is very complicated subject. Whts the difference between the two? People who do arrange marriage donโ€™t love each other or people who love each never get married.
    Do couple’s really love each after arrange marriage or are just taking the 7 rounds for their respective families so called eezaat/laaj/maryada.
    Off course one has to choose either of them, but after choosing himself/herself or their familyโ€™s so called finally decided decision.

    People face number of obstacles in both A & L:
    1) Caste: What the f@#%k has caste got to do in love?
    2) Love: Why the f@#%k are you getting married to someone whom you donโ€™t even know and by the time you know him/her, you might wondering why the hell you got married.
    3) Money: People get married as if its a must do act, in spite of knowing that they owe $1 zillion to the world. No scripture says one should get married. After marriage they f@#%k each other all night and the poor kid has a hopeless carrier guidance.

    Its a very broad & loud topic in todayโ€™s youth, most of them give up on arrange marriage and many fall into the credit trap after marriage….

    Mithun Iโ€™m posting this article on my blog as well, promoting your blog.

    Think,
    Chetan

  • Mithun says:

    Thanks a lot for the thought provoking comment on the writeup…
    indeed, marriage is a touchy topic amongst the older generation and a spine chilling one for the younger generation… ๐Ÿ˜€
    keep visiting…

  • sunayna says:

    who cares abt SRK?
    its ur life re
    live it the way U want it

  • Purnima says:

    well drafted! i think it doesn’t really matter whether tis love or arranged, its the couple who make the marriage work. Of course, as u put it, in India, family is like an important link for any marriages.

    Problems arise in each n every conjugal life… just that when it is love marriage; and that too w/o the parental consent, it is left to the couple alone to resolve their differences w/o any arbitrary factor.

    • Mithun says:

      @sunayna: yes, ur right about that…psst, i dont really care wat SRK or his movies say, i was trying to be funny with that comment ๐Ÿ˜€ (an attempt which obviously failed ๐Ÿ˜› )

      @purnima: thank you purnima, i had edited one line out of the post, but you have summed up that line perfectly with this “it doesn’t really matter whether tis love or arranged, its the couple who make the marriage

  • i cant disclose my name for obvious reasons :P says:

    wow!!

    never felt so out of touch !!

    i actually slept thru the post… cant read much nowadays, age c`atching up u see!! ๐Ÿ˜›

    but will comment some time soon, when my medications permit me, that is
    ๐Ÿ˜€

    stay single, stay happy !!

  • Mithun says:

    yes, ur now at a marriageable age and all…can’t expect you to read much…especially when ur dreaming of ur prince with coconut oiled hair ๐Ÿ˜› kidding re…

    “stay single, stay happy !!” – yes, that is the plan ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Emmy says:

    Please please check out this mini-documentary on arranged marriage which sheds light on this controversial cultural tradition.

    http://www.vancouveriam.com/videos/caa28d371db1

    Support young journalists.

  • Ananth says:

    Hey ..

    Well i’ve got a post written on the same topic long time ago, and echo’s the same sentiments though in different words .

    Good post though ..

  • sospokesaroj says:

    Very nice post. It’s true that every person is different and thus could benefit from a whole variety of marriage scenarios. It depends, to a degree, on your cultural background, your peers and what they’re doing, and your own outlook on things.

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