How To : Disrupt a Wedding*
October 30, 2008 § 5 Comments
*Written on behalf of the AAI(Aashiq’s Association of India)
Disrupting a wedding is not a hard task really. All you have to do is go there and shout loudly “This marriage cannot happen”, wait for everybody to look at you and then say “because ______________________(insert reason [for eg : 1) We love each other 2) She loves me! 3) I love her! (saddest one this) 4) Main uske bacche ka baap banne waala hoon!!) The last one is a bit overconfident and a little mad, but what the heck 😀
But to successfully disrupt a wedding, you have to put on a show of blatant disregard for human emotions and of course, your own self esteem. This is a post which will teach you how to do that.
Remember, weddings are long affairs, lasting as much as 5 days for a Punjabi wedding and an entire season for a monsoon wedding. Yes, I know, that was a pj. 😛 The best time to disrupt a wedding is probably the mandap stage, just before the saat pheras(You might as well grab her and run around the fire before anyone can stop you, but for the fear of getting shot, please do not try this 😀 )
Remember this, it is easier to disrupt some weddings and suicidal to disrupt some others. For instance, it is easiest to disrupt a South Indian wedding. Most of the gathered are sleeping in their seats anyway, the groom is disoriented because of all the smoke he has inhaled for the past 4 hours and even if someone objects, they will do so in the most courteous of manners. And here, you can be your disruptive best. A punjabi, maharastrian or bengali wedding must however be disrupted only by if you have a sound mediclaim policy. Because you will mostly be: tortured and beaten with hockey sticks(punjabi), bleeding from the ears because your eardrums have ruptured(maharastrian) or bleeding from the ears and mentally harassed(bengali). Who said anything about disrupting weddings being an easy job? 😀
Ok then. Main attraction. Here it comes: The Tutorial.
You will need: 30 Backup Dancers. 31 eye catching costumes. For this tutorial it is the following: White band suit with red decorative stripes on arms and shoulders, white trousers, white cap with red lining, white handgloves, red belt, red socks, white shoes. Band baja instruments. Be ready to dance. 10 – 12 totally jobless people (friends, you may call them), one bride to be, one groom (hopefully not-to-be), parents for both of them, assorted relatives, guests, panditji and yes, a wedding.
You must wear the costume. You did not think that all those dress instructions were only for the backup dancers, did you? Life is not fair my friend. Neither am I.
Your entry must be stunning.It must capture the imagination of the crowd. Therefore you must salute. Salute with determination. Salute as if you salute for your life. Then, to make a statement, you must start singing. Since you are hopeless at lyrics, I will provide some for you. They are:
First time dekha tumhe hum kho gaya, Second time mein love ho gaya.Yeh akha India jaanta hai ki hum tumpe marta hai(do have some proof ready, in case somebody asks)
Immortal deed. Immortal lyrics. Then you dance, dance with the backup dancers in synchronised dance steps. The dance steps should preferably include vigorous pelvic thrusts. I do not know what they signify (sach mein!) but you must do so to provide entertainment to the guests.
Add a few lyrics to your song that signify that the girls father is the pyaar ka dushman. Something like:
Terese marriage karneko mein bambai se goa aaya, lekin there father ne mujhe red signal dikhlaya.
Then insult the father:
Father se tere kya lena mujhe, main chahoon tujhko tu chaahe mujhe.
Notice: do not attempt the last line if father is six foot tall and looks like an angry bull.
This is getting lengthy isn’t it? Hmm, I’ll make it easier then. There is a video tutorial too, you see. Watch it. Learn it. There is a statutory warning though : Practising what is preached in this video might lead to permanent damage of your reputation.
That done, here it is.